[The following post was written by Cathy Self, Sr. V.P., Baptist Healing Trust.]

   Henry Nouwen’s work is a favorite read for me on almost any
given day. His words seem to speak directly to the servant’s heart. Among the
most inspiring of his work is that which he wrote in his secret journal –
written during what he called the most difficult period of his life. It was
during this period of life that Nouwen (left) came face to face with his own
“nothingness.” This nothingness occurs
to me as being much like the inner Grendel that one of the journal’s
commentators, Tom Knowles-Bagwell, spoke of in a recent journal entry. As Tom
pointed out, Grendel does not appear out of nowhere…

   So how could it be that Nouwen, known as a spiritual guide
and mentor, would suddenly experience himself as useless and unloved? As he
shares in his work titled The Inner Voice
of Love, the loss of a human friendship left him suddenly anchor-less and he
came face to face with deep inner pain and fear. We might refer to those inner
demons as Grendel and Grendel’s mother.

   Among the imperatives written in this work, Nouwen
challenges himself to love deeply. Let me re-emphasize that, for Nouwen seems to
actually cry out, LOVE DEEPLY! Yes, the servant’s heart will be broken when it loves deeply, as those we love reject us,
leave us, and even die. And each time we can choose whether to love again or to hold back and shelter ourselves against the possible pain. Let Nouwen’s own
words offer a different picture:

“The more you have
loved…the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. Those
you have deeply loved become part of you. The longer you live there will…be
more people to be loved by you and to become part of your inner community. The
wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own
brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within
you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of
your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus the pain of rejection,
absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of
your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance
of the fruit it will bear.” 

   This season of gratitude calls to mind those of my inner
community. Many of you who read this journal are among those I have loved
deeply. Others have long ago left me, some by choice but many by Providence. They have
become part of me, giving fruit to my giving and receiving of deep love today
and in the days to come. The Grendel that is my pain and hurt from the
leave-taking appears from time to time, but no longer frightens me or causes me
to withdraw to safe shelter. Instead I am able to welcome with gratitude its
appearance as a sign of the fruit that is yet to be born.
   May we never fear to love deeply!