"Do not use the 'I' word unless you must," my wise mother taught. "It draws attention to yourself."

   She has followed that commandment across her long life. I have not done well. Today, I overlook her counsel once again. Confessions always start with "I." Confession is good for the soul.

   Indeed, the anonymous woman baring herself before a Catholic confessional symbolizes exposing our souls. It is in confession where we are our most naked.

   At ten, I realized that I could only see the world from my point of view. Self-centeredness can flow from this early understanding – the false notion that somehow we are more important. Arrogance churns in the backwash of this belief. 

   Arrogance (the opposite of humility) leads to one of my worst personality disorders. I suffer from chronic irritability & often inflict that on others.

   Imagine someone who writes a book called "Radical Loving Care" & counsels loving patience who then interrupts other people & becomes angry when he is interrupted. Classic hypocrisy.

   Aware of the problem & desperate to solve it, I have sought counseling, taken various medications, attended divinity school & gotten ordained. But, I have found only one person to whom I listen with loving care – a convicted killer. With those I love most I often default to my inborn irritability.

    Yesterday, I even tried an online robot psychologist (Woebot). Predictably, I became irritated with the simplistic approach the computer program takes & shut it down. 

    After twenty years of struggling I finally confess: I cannot solve this problem – nor can anyone else solve it for me.

   It always seemed reversible. It is not. The best I can do is moderate it.

   This thought triggered an epiphany. Today, the moment I accepted that I could not defeat this lifelong demon he retreated.

   The problem remains, of course, but I feel better taking the old, "illogical," but well trodden path of giving up, of doing that thing I preach, that alcoholics practice & that I have not: accept my flawed humanity & receive the grace that flows from surrender. 

   Why did I not see this sooner? Arrogance blocked my view. 

-Rev. Erie Chapman

Photograph: "Baring the Soul" – Erie Chapman, 2017