Days 136-140 – The Many Lives Inside One

The crying infant in is my younger sister, Martha. Our 35-year old mom could not imagine how that girl would become her primary caregiver across the last two decades of her life & a model for Radical Loving Care.

A caregiver assessing my 105-year-old mom could not have pictured all the people living within – the 12-year-old (below) wearing incredible curls in 1924, for example, or the pretty, 32-year-old mom holding her young son (me) at right (below.)

All these people lived inside the ancient & wrinkled person who received Radical Loving Care from the staff of Hospice of Northwest Ohio at the end of her legendarily long life.

What if each caregiver reflected on the different people inside every patient for whom they care? Would that person receive better care? More respect?

Sometimes caregivers (& all of us) survey a diminished patient & accidentally fall into a dangerous syndrome: I am strong, the patient is weak. I am healthy. The patient is sick. I am in charge. The patient is not.

This syndrome can unintentionally lead to a condescension that harms healing.

Remembering the many vibrant people inside every ill patient – the people they used to be – helps caregivers move beyond curing to healing.

-Erie Chapman

Photographs: Molly Chapman in 1924, in 1944, in 1948

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Categories: Reflections, Holidays, Spirituality

4 responses to “Days 136-140 – The Many Lives Inside One”

Terry Chapman

May 14, 2018 at 5:08 am

Such a loving tribute to your lovely Mom and also to all caregivers everywhere. When we are well: spirit, mind, and body, we tend to look across a caring chasm seeing another as “less than we are”. But sometimes what we were is the pearl in our existence!
My Mother used to love to recite a saying, author unknown, but oh so relevant here: “How much of me am I? How much of days gone by?”
We all want and deserve to be cherished for our entire persona: our youth with all it’s glory; our young adulthood with all its idealism; middle age when we stop and look back at our lives with depth and questions; and in older age when our tomorrows are less than our yesterdays. Every person, regardless of age, physical, mental, or spiritual condition, always deserves only our best caring!

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~liz Wessel

May 14, 2018 at 7:05 pm

I love how you show us,Erie the personal side of care giving by sharing these beautiful life glimpses of your mom, you as a child & your sister Martha. What lovely photos and a window into the life of ones so precious. how endearing is the image of your of your mom as a young girl and then as a mother. Thank you for sharing in this way.
In home care, we are fortunate to enter into the intimate setting of a person’s home. First as stranger we are invited into the personal lives of people at vulnerable times. Soon we become a trusted caregiver who is relied upon for support.
Thank you for the helpful reminder, which is important for all of us to remember for after all people really want to be seen, known and loved and cared for with compassion.
Terry offered such a beautiful response to your reflection…

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Jolyon

May 18, 2018 at 12:26 am

It is interesting that Erie writes about snapshots in time. The pictures of our lives, loves. They have become vital signs to our relationships past and present. As caregivers we are responsible for taking vital signs to document the health of a person. But the body is just a part. Maybe if there was a line after blood pressure where we could document how someone enjoyed playing bingo today. After weight, maybe a space for favorite thought of the day. A care plan for selfies to be sent from a park. Maybe we should behave as if we were part of their daily dairy.

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Susan Bobowick

May 18, 2018 at 9:49 am

What beautiful memories of your mom. Thank you for opening my mind to seeing caregiving in such a loving, tender way.

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