The instant we exit the womb we pursue stability. Our first test, The Apgar, checks whether we throw our arms out when a caregiver mimics dropping us. 

   Indeed, the falling test and the startle reflex are bizarre proofs that we are born with only two fears: falling (something Hitchcock used routinely) and sudden sounds.

   Babies flail for physical stability. We pursue emotional stability. The first comes naturally. The second is often elusive.

   Each search signals that life depends on finding our load-bearing pillar. Most say we need many. My central one: meaning. Without meaning there is no hope and without hope, we die. Children seek solid ground for first steps and meaning from parents.

   Oak trees symbolize my load-bearing pillar. I love their strength, deep roots, soaring branches, their ability to look human.  

   My oak starts with God who is love and light. I trust what I cannot see as solid ground.

   Why are their constant threats to our balance? Money, illness, job loss, betrayal, imprisonment, violence, ugliness. Ugliness drives me to its opposite: Beauty. Imagining myself a strong male I seek balance in my opposite: Woman. 

   When my career journey veered from the masculine combat of trial attorney (my generation) to the hospital world of caregiving, I found that the load-bearing energy was feminine. 

   Fortunately, my first caregiver was a woman. God willing, my last caregiver will be as well.

-Erie Chapman

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Photopainting: "Pillars – Back View" – Erie 2023