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Striped man and bricks        The photo I made at left was created as a meditation on twin subjects: Parallel lines and Velocity. 

   In friendship, parallel lines intersect in ways that raise trust and nurture our humanity. We cannot live without others.

   Friendship causes us to slow at its various intersections. Velocity can threaten relationships. 

   By 1974, it would never have occurred to me to doubt my pal, Don. We had been friends for four years during which I sent him lots of business to support his budding insurance work.

   One day, I asked Don to contribute a small amount to a theater with which my wife and I were involved. He declined.

   Since I had never asked anything of him, I was stunned. Without explanation, I ran from the relationship and began feeling a drop of poison every time his name arose. 

   In a single phone conversation, we went from close to far.

   Don had no idea he had offended me. It took me a long time to realize that the problem was velocity. I had raced to an unwarranted conclusion. 

   Of course, my resentment was foolish. If I had been a truer friend, I would have raised the issue immediately and we could have resolved it, as we finally did. Our friendship is now forty years old. 

   The moment a perceived slight appears, we are often quick to condemn the other while justifying ourselves.  David Whyte says our lives are dominated by velocity. Old friendships can split in a millisecond.

   What is more precious than a dear relationship? At its intersection we feel a resonance that affirms our existence.

   Thus, there is nothing more painful than "break-up," as toxins burn our hearts. Lines which once intersected move back to parallel.

   Such stories fill literature and courtrooms with tragedy and acrimony.

   All of it is usually avoidable.

   Do we expect too much of each other? Do we count on co-workers to back us and turn on them instantly when they don't? 

   I have seen nurses act resentful the moment a patient "dies on them" as if the patient has intentionally abandoned the caregiver. I have experienced supervisors who suspect all employees because once, long ago, they were tricked by a subordinate. 

   As we open to others, the rawest skin of our hearts is exposed. Heightened sensitivity enables joy. An accidental pin-prick may feel like a dagger.

   Should we avoid drawing close?

   You may have made this life choice. You may have determined that your wounds have drained the blood of compassion from your scared heart.

   In a long life, I have felt betrayed many times. It has never been helpful to nurture hostility. My life has never been enriched by veering away from meaningful relationships – even when they end badly.

   But, close can feel dangerous. Far may seem safe.

   Jesus assumed we would love our friends and called us to love our enemies. Does Love have such a thing as an enemy?

Reverend Erie Chapman

4 responses to “Days 315-316 – Close and Far”

  1. Maria Doglio Avatar
    Maria Doglio

    If we loved everyone unconditionally, who would we recognize as enemies? They would be just people having a different experience.
    I often think it is our unbendable expectations of others that do in friendships, or relationships of many kinds–lovers, best friends, co-workers, relatives. I think the hardest lesson of life is to love all unconditionally….whether we are close or far, I think the “safety” is in the unconditional part.
    Liz and I were talking the other day about this site and how safe it felt to be open and express our feelings here–that is because the Journal offers a space of unconditional love for our expression about life, love and caring for our fellow sojourners on planet Earth. Thank you for that Erie and Liz too!

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  2. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    As a younger person I saw life in terms of black and white and it was easy to turn away when I felt a perceived hurt, and I would not look back. That is no longer the case for me. I see that life and relationships are far more complex and I see many sides to every situation, so much so that it can be very difficult for me to make a decision. I tend to be a loyal person and I find that prevents me from walking away. Especially when I’ve made a commitment and when I know another person is counting on me.
    There is nothing worse that to discover that I have hurt someone I care about even if it was unintentional. In my mind I can make huge leaps and assumptions in how I apply meaning to situations that arise. Conflict arises in any situation that involves a relationship. Hopefully, we can create enough safety in a relationship to be able to check and see if our assumptions are true or faulty.
    As I write this I realize that I have missed out on many opportunities in my life for healing and growth because of my self-limiting fear. Of late, I am trying to find the courage to look more honestly at myself (with compassion) and it is not easy.
    Now, when I attempt to turn away or withhold love, I’ve discovered it is more painful that any hurt I may have endured. Real Love offers forgiveness, which enables us to truly see the beauty that is present (even though I can’t always see it, I know in my heart it is there). As Maria, I am grateful to you Erie and our community of friends as we continually risk opening our hearts to one another. Learning to love is a beautiful lesson to learn, even if painful feelings arise, for beyond any hurt lies the true gift of unconditional Love and friendship.

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  3. erie chapman Avatar
    erie chapman

    Thank you, Maria and Liz. I am so grateful this site feels “safe” and that more and more caregivers come to it for solace, sharing, and inspiration. -Erie

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  4. Marily Avatar

    I thank God for every precious relationship I have, though I may sometimes mess it up, He gave me the option to take charge, take responsibility for the feelings and what goes on inside of me when issues arise, up close finding a space for healing in my heart. Held by the bond of love when we set ourselves farther away.

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