A friend forwarded to me observations a caregiver offered in a comment he posted on a weblog. This writing discuss the caregiver's long term experience of listening to the joys and regrets of the dying. His name only appears as "T Kelly." – Erie Chapman

"Top Five Regrets of The Dying

Posted December 1, 2011 By T Kelly 

"For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die…I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.  

When questioned about any regrets they had…common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

…From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities….

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

…When you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip… There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

When you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away…All that remains in the final weeks is love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns…Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content when deep within, they longed to laugh and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying."