"Oh break my heart; oh, break it again, so I can learn to love even more again." – Sufi saying

   By this time in your life, your heart has been broken many times. We are killed a thousand times before our bodies die.

   This is the life of every loving caregiver. And this is the choice we face each time loss tears at our courage.

   No hearts are broken more often than those of healing caregivers. Some patients die while in our care. Others recover and leave us behind, perhaps forgetting (or never knowing) that we were the ones to guide them away from death.

   Radical love cannot be learned unless we summon the bravery to embrace our broken hearts over and over again. 

   The paradox is that if we can summon the strength, our love will deepen each time our heart is broken.

  Another irony is that it doesn't require sequential relationships for the heart to be scarred. Instead, when we sustain any sacred encounter, our hearts are sure to be broken within the span of that relationship.

   Spirituality informs us that "being in any kind of significant relationship…is the most rigorous spiritual practice we can undertake." (Angeles Arrien)

   Inherent in physical intimacy is the challenge of sexuality. If you were raised (as was I) that the body is a house of shame, then an intimate encounter can trigger guilt as well as joy.

   When love lies with the lovers, the choice of intimacy is rewarded with joy beyond joy. When romantic love perceives betrayal, opposite feelings arise.

   The question posed by the Sufi saying is not whether the broken heart can love again but whether the love beyond the breaking can be more profound.

   In my life as an artist, I have experienced both beauty and fear when clothes fall away revealing form. It is difficult for many people to see nakedness without flinching. As a result, the chance for a sacred relationship with Beauty can be deflected.

   I imagined this when I posted (yesterday) this photo of a model in a sculpture class. The image challenges us to understand whether we can see Emma as a subject (not an object) of beauty. 

   I had a similar experience completing Chapman Piano Concerto #1 (now available from iTunes.) My heart was called to a level of intimacy with a complex music form I had feared since I began to conceive the concerto thirty years ago.

   Yet, just as an artist's intention determines integrity, a caregiver's professionalism justifies intimacy. The patients whose breasts or penises caregivers touch are subjects (not objects).

   The true artist is a doctor. The true doctor is an artist. 

   In every relationship, the core question is whether our intentions are grounded in Love or fear.

   Fear hardens a broken heart and sends it into hiding.

   Love understands spirituality.

   Love knows that the heart can break and break again and each time draw closer or further from God.

-Erie Chapman 

Photograph: Sculpture Model – copyright Erie Chapman 2011