Days 256-257 Whether Or Not to Tell

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

-e.e. cummings

The following story was written by Fang Chen RN.

When my father was diagnosed with lung cancer,
his doctor talked to my brother to ask permission to speak with my
father. We had a family meeting that day, except for my father and
mother, to discuss whether or not to let them know. The final decision
was made, which was not to tell them the truth. Keep the secret and let
my father get the best treatment.

At the end of my father's life, I spent all
my time with him during his final days. I felt he had known his diagnosis
but no one told him directly.

He told me many stories I never heard
before. He recalled his whole life and finally he told me he was ready to
go. But at that time I was too tearful to ask him if there was anything
he would like me to do for him. He smiled at me and seemed to know what
our family (my brother and sister etc.) did for him. He said that he was
very proud of me for being a nurse. He said that he "felt very
comfortable and he was receiving very good care at the end of life" and
"your patients will feel the same way." "You are a very
good nurse to take care of your father and your patients."

Those were the last words I heard from my
father. But not just those words on that day, for I'm keeping them close
everyday as I care for patients and work in my nursing career.

~Fang Chen RN

Thank you Fong for
sharing your story…

here
is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i
carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Mandala
by ~liz

Published by

swiftlyunabashed93c6d9b23b

Categories: Reflections, Holidays, Spirituality

Tags: e.e. cummings, Erie Chapman Foundation, Fang Chen RN, Journal of Sacred Work, Liz sorensen Wessel, Radical Loving Care

8 responses to “Days 256-257 Whether Or Not to Tell”

Erie Chapman Foundation

September 14, 2013 at 9:46 am

Thank you for e.e. cummings and the story from Fang Chen and thanks most of all for your mandala, Liz.

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sue

September 14, 2013 at 12:54 pm

This is so deep and touching…ooo

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Stephanie

September 14, 2013 at 3:40 pm

In my hospice work we would occasionally have families who would request that the patient not be told that their illness was terminal, and not to call ourselves, “hospice”. This could be for cultural reasons, or because they knew that the patient would be best served without this information. It’s such a tender choice. We would identify ourselves as “homecare nurses” — hospice is the very best homecare available, so I had no problem with this. Often, just like with Fang Chen’s father, the patient would gently let us know that they were at peace being at the end of their life.

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Maureen McDermott

September 14, 2013 at 4:55 pm

What a gift Fang’s father gave her and the patients for whom she will care. Thank you Liz for sharing the reflection prepared so lovingly by Fang. Liz, your mandala speaks to me of how Love, at our centre, continues to unfold the more it is opened and shared. As a recipient of nursing care in recent weeks I value ever so much the dedication of nurses. May they continued to be blessed as they share their gifts with devotion.

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Erie Chapman Foundation

September 15, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Sister Maureen, it is great to have you back participating on the Journal as you continue your recovery.

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~liz Wessel

September 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm

The question whether to tell or not raises an ethical dilemma, especially in the context of different cultures. On one hand you might advocate for a person to be informed so that their decision-making is based on complete information. Yet, we cannot impose our belief system on other people. I think it is best to ask the patient about preferences. How much information do they want, or are they deferring their decision-making to members of the family.
I’ve recently been in contact with a family of Chinese descent. Although the medical team believed the patient would be best served by hospice the family chose ongoing treatment. The eldest son is guiding treatment decisions. The patient‘s family, like yours Fang does not want him to know. Yet, he is aware but if his friends mention the word cancer he states he does not have it. I must admit I’ve struggled a bit with how best to support and be of help. I have come to the realization that as clinicians we need to listen, honor and respect how people choose to deal with life threatening illness. We need to take the cues from our patients and families.
Thank you, Fang for revealing how your dad shared all his life stories with you. What a treasure he gave you and what a treasure you gave him in return being present and affirming his life with your love. What is especially meaningful to me is how you carry his love with you and how it influences how you care for others. Thank you for this blessing.

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Maureen McDermott

September 16, 2013 at 12:05 am

Thank you Erie for your greetings. It’s wonderful to be feeling well again.

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sbeng

September 16, 2013 at 8:39 am

Liz: thank you for sharing this beautiful story of a father’s last moments with his daughter and appreciating her and the rest of the family members for their love and care. Your mandala speaks of the Love that resides in the very core of our being is universal from the west to the east. The expression of love of the dying man to his daughter will be the guiding principle in her life career as a nurse. Thank you Fang Chen for sharing your story. To understand the principles behind not telling the patient his or her diagnosis is the long belief within the Asian culture og Paternalism-Bad Living than good death. The stress is on good death. The other thing is the belief not to mouth the the word DEATH as though it might bring it into being. The belief of paternalism is still prevalent in the Far East and family/families sign the consent forms instead of the patient is the common practice as the families are the ones that will eventually take care of the patient.

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