Journal of Sacred Work

Days 41-45 – When Outward Action Changes Inner Thoughts

I think of compassion as the fundamental religious experience and, unless that is there, you have nothing. – Joseph Campbell

Ann and martha3   Kindness and grace are not mere “tools” of caregiving but lovely ways of expressing our being. How do you display your warmth?

    When I was a little kid and got into fights with my sisters (in recent photo – left) my face would contort in anger. My mother sometimes used a little trick to snap me out of it.

    “Shake hands with your sister and smile,” she would tell me.

    Of course, I was not going to do any such thing. But, gradually, she would prod me until an awkward smile changed my face and, gradually, my heart.

   Much as I had been fighting an apology I found my inner attitude softening. With the arrival of my smile my anger retreated.

   As the great theologian and author C.S. Lewis wrote: "Do not waste your time bothering whether you "love" your neighbor, act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less."

   We all smile when we are feeling like scowling. You pretend to like people you don't.

   Fake smiles can help in the same way politeness can smooth interactions. Pretend smiles can become genuine – as if the put-on smile somehow awakens something warmer. 

   But fake smiles in caregiving can be worse than no smile at all because they come from cynicism. It is exhausting if your outer behavior is constantly at odds with your inner soul.

   It is the genuine smiles – either broad or modest – that illuminate relationships. That is why it is so helpful for you and I to discover things we honestly care about in others.

   Love does not always mean struggling to be kind to someone who is rude. It means understanding the grief beneath the angry person's grievance.

   Every time you do that, Love smiles.

-Erie Chapman

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4 responses to “Days 41-45 – When Outward Action Changes Inner Thoughts”

  1. Cheri Cancelliere Avatar
    Cheri Cancelliere

    I often hear comments that I’m “always smiling.” It isn’t that I see pleasant things all day, that I’m especially happy or even that I enjoy every person that I meet. I just think to myself, “What does it hurt to smile?” and know that it just might help someone. When I try to see each person with the eyes of love, I smile because love sees the reasons behind why others are difficult, demanding or angry. Love sees the little child within them who was bullied or never loved, special or chosen. You are so right, Erie. Love smiles because love accepts and understands.

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  2. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    I tend to believe that our thoughts influence our experiences, so I find your line of reasoning fascinating to consider, Erie. And yes, it is true, when I feel pressured or rushed and suddenly a need presents itself, I will try to respond with hospitality even if I may not feel that way inside. Between the stimulus and the response it helps to pause (Victor Frankl). It is here that our balance can be restored and our genuineness shine through. Often it means letting go of our attempts at control and surrendering to the moment.
    As a teen I recall walking along a path and as I passed a young man, a stranger, I smiled at him. It turns out that our paths would actually intersect, as he was to begin receiving care on the young person’s ward, where I worked as a psyche tech. A long time afterwards, John told me how much that friendly smile meant to him. You see it was a time in his life when he was feeling so alone and alienated from others. He words always stuck with me, as I had no idea that such a small gesture as a smile could have such an impact.
    Your warm heartedness flows through your every word to permeate the ink on this page and beyond into the hearts and minds of those who read your reflection and see the lovely smiles of your sisters. Thank you, Erie.

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  3. Terry Chapman Avatar
    Terry Chapman

    Sometimes when I am walking down Lake Avenue, a level straight 2 miles stretch of road near our home in Worcester,MA, I go long periods of time without crossing another’s path. But when I do I usually say “Hello!” or “Good Morning” or at least “Howdy” but I have no control over their response or lack of it. Most times they do respond and I feel good. But what’s important I believe is that I do acknowledge that other human being whether they can respond or not. My action is complete unto its own sense of friendliness!

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  4. sbeng Avatar
    sbeng

    Erie: it is true that a genuine smile illuminates relationships. Life has its ups and downs and sometimes we need a genuine smile from someone to lift our spirit up. A simple and genuine “how are you with a smile that conveys I care about you” warms another person’s soul. I cannot but mention about home care. The atmosphere is more relaxed in the home environment. It is a one to one meeting on the first visit. The patient or family member offers the nurse or therapist a cut of tea or coffee and the conversation begins. The relationship starts and the staff listens and is able to glean what it is that concerns the patient or family member about their loved ones and the nurse then is able to discuss services that would help the patient/family. The patient is grateful for the help that he or she will receive and looks forward toward’s the staff’s return. So with this note here’s wishing you Erie and all the team of supporters and readers alike “Happy Valentine”.

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