Days 180-181 – What Is the Shape of Empathy?

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

Empathy is a willingness to keep company with another who may be hurting and feeling alone. As we open to the experience of another’s suffering we open into our own vulnerability. Yet, if we have the courage to stay present, what one once scary is transformed by Love.

My mom taught me this lesson early in life. I was 10 at the time when Dr. Cahill came to my home to examine me. Next, I knew I was whisked off to the hospital via ambulance. The next three days were touch and go, and it was uncertain if I would survive spinal meningitis. I was placed in isolation, lying flat on my back, in a darkened room, not allowed to sit up or quench my thirst. The headaches were intense, the vomiting, relentless. Although just a child, I was aware that I was very ill and I was scared.

Mom sat by my side all night and day. She said to me, "I wish I could trade places with you." The gift of her loving response was the best medicine.

Little did I know the profound impact my mom's empathetic response would have in shaping the course of my life… In fact, it was not until Erie posed a question about how our mothers influenced our lives (in an early reflection) that I made the connection between this experience and my chosen profession.

In nursing, I was drawn to be with people in the final stage of life just as my mother had accompanied me through the shadow of death. Early on I was tempted to run but I understood that is when people need you the most. She taught me the healing power of Love’s presence and I am forever grateful to her and to Dr. Cahill for saving my life.

When caregivers encounter another with a listening presence they enter sacred ground.

Liz Sorensen Wessel

The following is a short, light hearted video illustrates empathy versus sympathy.

Published by

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Categories: Reflections, Holidays, Spirituality

Tags: Brene Brown, Dr. Cahill, Elizabeth Sorensen, empathy, Erie Chapman, Henri Nouwen, Journal of Sacred Work, Liz sorensen Wessel, Radial Loving Care

7 responses to “Days 180-181 – What Is the Shape of Empathy?”

sbeng

June 28, 2014 at 9:56 am

Liz: thank you for your being a role model for showing empathy. I really appreciate your patience and forbearance. When an individual tells you “I am stuck and it is dark” you were you were present and patient to empathize and not to judge. You were there to connect. Thank you for sharing your own story of what you went through when you had a life threatening illness and a loving mother showing you empathy.

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Maureen McDermott

June 28, 2014 at 4:18 pm

The words you create and share with us, Liz, truly come from your heart where empathy is deep and real. Yes, empathy flows from the heart that knows hurt, despair, brokenness as well as joy, wonder and delight. Empathy has a presence about it, a presence that is embracing, warm and tender. Your video clip expresses empathy ever so clearly. Once again, thank you Liz, the one who expresses empathy in your smile, actions and words.

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Cheri Cancelliere

June 28, 2014 at 5:16 pm

Thank you, Liz, for sharing how a time of suffering in your childhood was transformed into a life of love and empathy. There are acts of kindness and service and sacrifice but radical loving care says, “I wish I could trade places with you.” How fortunate we are for the people who have shown us that depth of compassion. How many people are we willing to trade places with today?

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Woody Wessel

June 29, 2014 at 11:16 am

I Love your Mom.

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shirley

June 29, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Very thought provoking Liz. I too learned empathy from my Mom who was the best at listening and being present, and often we eventually got to the point when she would say “well lets think about this and figure out something.” And when she died I thought nobody would be there for me like that again but then steps in the girlfriends and waalah… I remember moms oncologist Dr. Sender was very good when there just weren’t any answers left to just sit and say to my Mom, “I’m sorry Doris” and you felt his empathy.
Thinking back to a time when my daughter had broke up with her boyfriend and just wanted to lie in bed and cry and have me rub her back. It was the most painful thing I had to do. It lasted most of the day and we would talk and I would try to follow her feelings and we would vacilate between hating him and wanting to hurt him, to loving him and remember the many good things and lessons learned. I never wanted to have to do that again. But then of course in the end, they got back together and then broke up and got back together and broke up and each time it got easier and the lying in bed crying and rubbing her back got shorter.Now that I think about it, the lessons learned weren’t so much about him and her, as about me and her. Thanks for helping me remember that Liz.

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Jonathan Ang

June 29, 2014 at 4:35 pm

A lot of times, I spend so much time and effort trying to fix something. Thinking that there is always a solution to a problem. Sometimes it works and sometimes I just make it even worse. It is probably my nature to do so and, in the process, I simply forget to empathize… to be there and to listen. I realize that my role is not always to find a solution but to be there for that other person until he or she finds one.

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erie chapman

July 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

I feel as though I can see the empathy in your little face in the photo from years ago, Liz. It certainly shows through in everything you do, say and write. Yes, you are “a role model for showing empathy.” Love this whole post. Thank you, Liz.

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