One thing we know for sure. The worst thing to tell a sufferer is that, "Pain is a great teacher." What we want is compassion not counsel.

   Shakespeare noted this in Comedy of Errors: "A wretched soul…we bid be quiet when we hear it cry;/ But were we burdened with like weight of pain,/ As much or more we should ourselves complain." Yes. We want the loving presence we once disdained. 

   Pain is simultaneously universal (from birth) & personal (everyone reacts differently.)

   There is often no cure for our broken fences within. Are there ways to heal? Some pathways out of hell?

   After half a century with a chronic illness I'm still confused about pain. As a compassionate caregiver you are the one who suffers next to profound discomfort & have had plenty of your own. 

   Pain is supposed to teach humility & faith as well as patience. But what about some other solutions?

   One wise friend says that a powerful choice is to become, as much as possible, an outside observer rather than an inside sufferer. This gives some sense of distance as well as freedom from your victim state. Some yogis are so good at this they endure staggering agony with no apparent response.

   It seems silly to address the complexity of pain with a few simple words. Still, for the rest of us trying to think our way through I wonder if these ideas might help:

   Doctors teach that the more we tense up, the more pain increases. That makes sense since blood flows to tensed muscle and away from the area that is hurting. That, of course, is why women using Lamaze are taught relaxation breathing techniques.

    Stress-pain is about control. I have noticed stress appears when I am trying to change other people rather than myself (although self correction can also be stressful.) I'm pretty good at "large" issues & frequently fail with smaller ones. When I succeed, it is because I literally ask myself: If the issue is small why treat it as large?

   For example, why self-inflict stomach acid while driving? This should be easy to resolve. After years of stupidity I react much better after gradually retraining myself to this wisdom: Traffic delays are not worth headaches (not to mention accidents & road rage.) The reptile brain is powerful. That is why I try to breathe and gain perspective as soon as I turn on the engine & reinforce that along the drive. 

   In every case cultivating acceptance & gratitude seems most effective. How, especially with big pain? Chronic illness always encompasses acute episodes. The disabled always carry wounds.

   Heart-love is also heart-breaking. Ask lovers how they feel when separated. Pain scars. We want to forget. And we can only learn if we remember.

   Job & Jesus suffered. Jesus did also & found a way through. 

   By now, you are a veteran of pain. I sure do not want anymore and I am also grateful for what it has taught. 

   Words can help. I have never read better ones about the tears the body sheds when it is splintered than Emily Dickinson's. Every line & phrase is genius: