Journal of Sacred Work

Days 325-329 Reaching For Help

Miles at birth?   The umbilical cord had just been cut. Suddenly separated from his mother my grandson reached for help. Almost every baby does it.

   Soon enough, usually sooner than we would like, we are taught to quit that. To stand on our own. 

   Boys hear this early. "Act like a big boy" means "Act like a man" & that means "Don't cry," because crying & strength are incompatible. 

   Every professional & every leader knows this challenge. No patient or client wants their doctor or lawyer to break into anxious tears. 

   The stigma around crying remains real. During the 1972 Presidential campaign Senator Edmund Muskie gave a speech defending his wife from a newspaper attack. Outraged, he allegedly shed a few tears. Instead of owning up he denied the claim as "anger not tears." But, his campaign imploded. 

   When caught in sorrow's rooms each of us needs help – sometimes desperately. Henri Nowen says that heart healing requires the caregiver to create a safe space. Women are better at doing this for others & at reaching out themselves. Men, not so much. Recently, for the first time in many years I found myself in tears – not the soft kind but the ones that flow from drowning wells. 

   You have been there. You have had times when you looked around amid your loneliness & wondered: Who can help? Should I even ask? It is easy to say, "Of course, you should." But if you are reading this you are probably not a man. Only a few males regularly read the Journal. Those men know what I mean.

-Erie Chapman 

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7 responses to “Days 325-329 Reaching For Help”

  1. sbeng Avatar
    sbeng

    I had welcomed all the yelling and screaming after I have brought each baby into this world whether they are boys or girls. They yell and scream and it is essential that they do so. You stated the men in adult life do not express their feelings to others as women do. Your grand daughter must have touched your feelings and let you know that you can release what is heavy on your heart, enjoy life and to continue to enjoy her presence.

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  2. sbeng Avatar
    sbeng

    Correction: it is your ‘grandson’ you had mentioned in your writing, not your ‘grandaughter’.

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  3. Terry Chapman Avatar
    Terry Chapman

    I can attest to “reaching out” when I suffered a Depression back in 2014 and needed help but resisted asking for it. My caring sons insisted I go for a psychiatric checkup and I agreed, knowing it was necessary however distasteful to reach out. I was effectively and caringly treated and with love from my wife, family, and others, careful counseling, and a bit of medicine, I was healed and have been “my old self” ever since, leading a full, interesting, fun, and productive life. We men must accept the fact that our needs are real and not ignore any and all warning signs, mental or physical, that we need to extend our caring to ourselves!

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  4. Chapman Health International Avatar
    Chapman Health International

    Thank you so much for commenting, Suan. You are always so kind and thoughtful. Happy Thanksgiving.

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  5. Chapman Health International Avatar
    Chapman Health International

    Terrific comment, Terry. So very glad that your family supported you in reaching out and that you listened to their counsel AND that you are back to your great and wonderful “old self.” You are a blessing to all.

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  6. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    Dear Erie,
    Thank you for speaking with compassion on this-how males expressing emotion is highly discouraged or even taboo in our society. Our Journal must be a safe space for sharing and I thank you for opening your heart and reaching out to us. We need to be there for one another.
    Personally, I believe that this deep longing for connection and feelings of loneliness exists in all of us and is part of our human condition. (Not that that makes it any easier for someone with your intelligence and sensitivity.) Your ability to express your feelings so eloquently is also one of your greatest gifts. So I appreciate your courage and I believe that in doing so there are many others you may reach and this reflection will be of benefit to them.
    Growing up, I tended to hold the feelings of my family (an insight gleaned from counseling). I was seen as “thin skinned” and throughout my life when I became emotional or tearful I felt as though it was seen as a sign of weakness and a sense of shame was attached to those experiences. However, one day a recognition that owning our feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones, requires strength as we own the truth of our experience…healing can come when we do so with kindness for ourselves and others.
    There is a great deal of vulnerability in sharing painful feelings. Often we want to rush in and try to help “by fixing” rather than allowing that safe space you speak of; to acknowledge, to name, to accompany and most of all “be with” another person. May we be there for one another in our hour of need with acceptance and love.
    Thank you for being there for me, Erie

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  7. erie chapman Avatar
    erie chapman

    You understand this subject so well. Thank you for adding your insights. “There is a great deal of vulnerability in sharing painful feelings” and those who are sensitive can suffer deeply. Yet, they are, like you, the best leaders and caregivers.

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