Journal of Sacred Work

Days 51-53 – Difficult Conversations

Massive banyon copy  No one wants to deliver bad news. A "difficult conversation" may seem more complex than a giant banyan tree. 

   Yet, such exchanges are part of being a caregiver. Leaders face challenging encounters everyday.

   How does a caregiver tell a patient they have cancer? How does a director improve the performance of a subpar staff member?

   Two guidelines work. Everyone knows them yet stunningly few people follow them. The first is The Golden Rule? How would you like to hear hard news? The second standard is much harder. In our work we name it The Silver Rule – Not how YOU would like to be told but how do you think the other person would like to be treated.

   I might like news delivered bluntly. But if I apply my preference to everyone I will fail as a leader.

   Before every difficult conversation consider the sensitivities of the other. Avoid language like, "This is nothing personal." Avoid saying, "This is tougher on me than it is on you." 

   In difficult conversations, it is rarely about you. It is about the other. Seek the right balance of warmth & firmness. Use the Silver Rule as well as the Golden one & you will convert difficult conversations into sacred encounters. 

-Erie Chapman

Photograph by erie

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3 responses to “Days 51-53 – Difficult Conversations”

  1. Todd Avatar
    Todd

    I recently had an experience with a loved one seeing an oncologist. He sat us down and said that emotions complicate things and that he was going to remove all emotion from the conversation. He was cold and disconnected and bluntly stated a few low percentages to us.
    We did not come back for another visit. The other oncologist connected with love, concern and hope. In fact, we are sitting in his office at this exact moment.

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  2. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    I am sorry that you and your loved one are going through this, Todd. Also, encouraged to learn glad that you have found a physician who is a healer; ministering to a whole person/loved one’s mind, body and spirit.

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  3. ~liz Wessel Avatar
    ~liz Wessel

    What a remarkable image of a banyan tree, is that really only one tree, Erie? It reminds me not only of the complexities of life but of the connectedness of all living beings, the interdependence, collaboration and cooperation necessary to sustain and nurture life. Nature always has something important to teach us as do these impressive trees. I imagine that trees are patient, offering a listening stance with a strength that comes in support of the entire ecosystem.
    I do not view the cold and disconnected MD as heartless but someone who has blocked feeling vulnerability. Perhaps, because he does not think he could survive the daily heartbreak.Yet what he is missing out on are the gifts that come with opening to give and receive love, the greatest healer of all, or as Henri Nouwen has suggested, we are all wounded healers one to another.

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